OWNERS MANUAL FOR THE GARDEN
HOSE
--Advanced preparation for
the information highway of 2001, and for the generation of tomorrow. --
When you purchased your
garden hose, you obtained a complex but exciting device with many uses. You will be excited to learn that in
addition to watering your garden you can also water your lawn, wash your car,
fill the swimming pool, wet the kids, and even wash the dog, just to name a
few.
Hoses are made of various
materials. Some are plastic, some are
rubber, others vinyl. They also come in
many colors such as red, green and speckled and are available in various
lengths such as 25 feet or 50 feet.
However, some are real long such as 75 or even 100 feet. Which brings us to our first important discussion,
how to roll up the hose. We will tackle
this most important topic in just a moment.
But first, you will have to
unpack your new hose.
Normally the unpacking
instructions are printed somewhere on the packaging. But if not, generally the
hose is attached to a piece of cardboard and there is a thick clear plastic
cover over the hose. It will be
necessary to cut the plastic using a sharp knife. We will leave the choice of knives up to you, but just keep in
mind that whichever one you choose can cut you. So be careful.
After removing the thick
plastic you will most likely find several short wires covered with paper that
have been twisted to hold the hose to the cardboard. To loosen you must untwist these wires. We hope to write a detailed manual on how to un-package things,
before the traffic is unbearable on the information highway, but most likely
you can get immediate help with unpacking by calling the NWO (New World Order)
government agency that deals exclusively with such things. It is called NWO-R&R and the toll free
number is 666-1432. Now the R&R does not mean rest and relaxation as in the
20th century. It means Rules and
Regulations. The 666 designates GOVNET
and the country code is 01. Remember this is a toll free call from anywhere in
the world.
Now, are you ready for
this? After you have attached the hose
to the water hydrant and used it for whatever purpose, you will want to roll it
up right under the hydrant for convenient and neat storage. This can be real tricky. AH!
But, our comprehensive manual will unlock the secrets of how this can be
accomplished.
First stretch out the hose
to its full length. If your hose is
long such as 100 feet, you may have to use a little of your neighbors lawn to
accommodate this length. If you are on
good terms with your neighbor this should be no problem. If you are not, we would suggest you make up
real quick or else return your hose to the store for credit or exchange.
What follows assumes you
have the female end of the hose connected to the hydrant. Now place yourself at the hydrant end where
the hose is connected to the water source.
Then use one hand to pick up the hose at a point about 3 feet (1 meter
to be politically correct) from the hydrant.
This is where you will begin to make the roll.
Next, take the other hand
and start to curve the hose in a circle about 1 meter in circumference. After each complete turn you will need to
rotate or twist the hose all the way back to the nozzle end. Failure to do this will make the biggest
mess you ever saw.
Now although we didn't
discuss the nozzle end, you will notice it is the end where the water comes
out.
By the time you get to this
step and if your hose is stretched out onto your neighbors lawn with you going
back and forth as you make each turn, you can see why we suggested being on
good terms with your neighbor. Imagine
how your neighbor will feel if he is looking out the window and sees you on and
off his lawn rolling up a hose in YOUR yard.
He might think you are stealing his hose, and this could cause you some
embarrassment especially if he calls 911.
In any case after this first
rotation and twisting you are ready for the second rotation and twisting. Just repeat the first step. Try to keep each rotation the same size as
the first one. This will make for
neatness. No one will admire your work
if the rotations are different sizes.... the whole thing will look messy and
ragged. Once finished you will be
pleased and so will your neighbor.
Oh yes, we almost forgot. If you have a nozzle on the nozzle end, you
can swish or squirt or spray as you choose.
Some nozzles are adjustable from a squirt to a spray by turning the
brass or plastic handle. Close
examination will reveal the part that turns.
If after examination you still cannot locate the handle, then please see
the parts diagram that came with your nozzle.
Interestingly enough, if you
turn it far enough it will stop the flow entirely. This is known as the "off Mode." Just keep in mind that if the nozzle is in
the "off mode" and the hydrant is in the "on mode" you have
a pressurized hose. This is different
from a pressurized cabin in an airplane.
In the former, water is under pressure.
In the latter it is air that is under pressure. Terms like this can confuse even the best of
us.
This, however, is no cause
for alarm as long as the temperature is between 35 degrees and 120
degrees. If it goes much lower or
higher, the hose could burst from the pressure. So, it's a good idea to turn off the hydrant when the hose is not
in use even if the nozzle is in "off mode."
Oh yes, in the winter your
hose can freeze and burst in many places.
But, fortunately, if this happens you probably won't notice it until
spring. If this does happen it will
probably be because the nozzle was left in "off Mode" and the hydrant
left in "on Mode." In this
case you will need both a plumber and a new hose. The need for a plumber will be apparent if you have an excessive
water bill and if you see a great puddle of water in your yard, the neighbors
yard, and a lot of water running down the street during dry spells.
We do not recommend trying
to repair the hose as there are so many different sizes, such as half inch, six
eighths, etc. Your favorite hardware
store will never have the right thing and even if they did, you will never like
having a couple of radiator clamps on your hose. These have been known to cut ones hands every time the hose is
used. Just consider investing in a new
one each year. We will offer updates to
this manual as new technology evolves in this field.
-- Bic Parker --